Ready, Steady, 'Chinglish'?

The ‘mrs’ and I have been doing a bit of a ‘ready steady cook’ thing recently. We have to buy an ingredient we have never cooked with and make something, ideally edible. I went first with stuffed aubergines. Yes I know it seems odd that after 31 years on the planet I have never cooked one, well I hadn’t. The recipe (well I wasn’t going free style quite yet) said to boil the vegetables for 10 minutes. How can you boil them? It’s like trying to boil 2 buoys! In the end the underside which got boiled stayed a lovely purple and was tender, while the top went brown and tough. I triedkeeping them under the boiling water with a less than successful scaffolding made out of spatulas, chop sticks and bowls (best not ask). Despite this the meal was a triumphant success and appreciated by all!

Next was the ‘mrs’ turn. She had to do battle with a butternut squash. Un-chartered territory indeed. The meal of choice was a vegetable curry. I wasn’t involved in the preparation so I can not report on the most appropriate cooking method. Anyway the curry was really nice and the big chucks of orange squash were uber nice; much nice than suede which it reminded me of.

Last night was my turn. A few weeks ago I had gone into the local tiny Chinese supermarket and had picked up some packets of bean curd. I love the bean curd I get at the Chinese takeaways and have always wanted to know how they did it. One of hard things about being a vegetarian is finding something for dinner you can have a good chew on. What also attracted me to the products was the ingredients; bean curd – that’s it! Unlike quorn and other veggie alternative there is a list of ingredients as long as your arm. This has one ingredient.


So my challenge last night was to do a 5 spice stir fry. I prepared all the ingredients such as onions, mushrooms, fine green beans, 3 colours of peppers and pok choi, all in separate bowl in a Blue Peter stylee. Following the strange instructions written in Chinglish (the word used for Chinese badly translated into English), I boiled the bean curd (packet in the middle) for only 3 minutes. After draining I added it to my stir fry that was coming along nicely (I’m sure the burnt bits on the bottom of the wok just add to the flavour). It was another success although I think I should have added them earlier to absorb some of the flavour or maybe marinated the bits first. Oh well I look forward to more trial and error.

As a side note, why not google images of Chinglish, they are very funny. This is a good one.

It’s the ‘mrs’ turn next to cook something different. Any suggested unusual vegetarian ingredients would be welcome!

It's called art, lovey!

The greatest invention ever to grace the face of this planet – SOAP CRAYONS! I can tell by your sudden intake of breath you are as excited as I was. What a fantastic invention. Living on the cutting edge of technology as I do, this flat has had the crayons for some time, but I feel I can be selfish no more, and spread the joy to the world!

So what are soap crayons? Unless your IQ is below 10 you have probably worked out that they are crayons made of soap! So what are they for? Oh just so many things.

1. You can draw on yourself making pretend tattoos
2. Write profound and thought provoking messages on the bathroom wall
3. Wash with them
4. Create works of art as great as the Sistine chapel
5. Improvise home made tiles
6. Play noughts and crosses or handman with other toilet users
7. Let your child go mad with self expression
8. …or just draw silly pictures!

Please bear in mind that who ever visit this flat has to by LAW contribute to this ever growing piece of conceptual and organic art!


I insist that in order to fulfil your own artistic destiny you must all rush out and buy your own Crayola soap crayons. Go NOW. Don’t even both to stop and have a wash. GOOOOO!

The Freedom to Whiz

At Brighton Pride last week the ‘mrs’ and I bought a device called the ‘Whiz Freedom’. What is this I hear you cry? Have you ever been to festivals and have to queue forever to use the ladies loos while the men just pop in and out of the urinals? Have you ever been caught out desperate for a wee in a car and have had nowhere to stop? Have you ever been camping and wished you could just pee in the bushes than trudging your way to the toilet block? Well I have! Hence the purchase of the Whiz Freedom.

As you can see it’s a rubber device which goes over the lady bits and enables one to direct ones pee. If you want to pee in a bush you can (although toilets are always preferable). At pride they had women’s urinals which were virtually empty and used such technology. We have had a bit of a practise with pretty good results. Now you men have had a lifetime to perfect the art of a good pee, fine tuning the direct, angle and force so more practise will be needed. Generally we have been very successful during our practises, except the time I forgot to actually pull my pyjamas bottoms down and actually widdled inside my trousers. Oh well, we live and learn.

So no more crouching exposing ones bottom to the air, and no more splash back on your shoes! I know it seems rather odd, but is a really good idea. The website is: http://www.whizproducts.co.uk/en/product_shop.aspx

Check out the ‘gift sets’! I assume people would actually give this as a gift!!!

Look at me with a social life!

I had a really good weekend. My friend Daniel came down on Friday who I haven’t seen for many years. Apart from some grey hair he hadn’t really changes, although he did I say I looked ‘weathered’ – ta ever so darling! Despite having not seen each other for so many years, it was weird and didn’t feel strained at all.

Happily Brighton Pride and my birthday coincided on the same day which gave me an excuse for a bit of a party. In the morning I was greeted to some wonderful gifts from the ‘mrs’. I love homemade gifts and cards the most as it has shown some thought. My sister made me a cake, and the mrs made me a card and a photographic montage of our life together which is proudly sitting on the mantelpiece. I also got some rainbow candles and rainbow stationary which was fab.

We spent the day meeting up with friends, hers and mine, and watching the parade. Our favourite section was the ‘Dorothys’ (men and women) from the Wizard of Oz, all dancing down the road in unison, looking very well rehearsed. Despite seeking out areas of shade we all rather caught the sun. I didn’t get burned but the ‘mrs’ really suffered resulting in peeling skin and blistered; ouch! She has now been recommended not to go back to work this week and avoid the sun at all costs. She still looks lovely covered in Vaseline! If you know her, check out her new pictures on facebook of her new ‘lion’ face!

After this we battled our way round the stalls and through the park. It seemed much busier than last year. After some chips, trips to the toilet and some purchases we left about 6pm as we were all feeling a bit burned. Us lobsters then headed straight for Tesco for some after sun, pizza and cheesecake.

On Sunday, Daniel the ‘mrs’ and myself met up with Spudgy and ‘the lodger’ for a late Sunday dinner followed by a tour of Spudgys’ new house. They have the cutest cat who’s only 10 weeks old. The smallest thing in the world. As cute as it was I am not a cat person. They have claws and you never know where they are. I couldn’t cope with the loss of it disappearing one day and never coming back.

Daniel went back to London yesterday after making some beautiful art with me, and has invited us to come and stay at some point and sample the luxury of his blow up mattress.


It’s so exciting to now have a place to go in London. Can’t wait to see his flat now his all grown up with a mortgage and stuff; strange boy!