The Joy of Socks

Yes you heard me right; the joy of SOCKS. I do believe I have readers with their minds permanently in the gutter. Any-hoo I just wanted to spread the word, of the joy that socks can bring into your life.

When I am Queen (you never know, stranger things have happened), I shall ban all white, black and grey socks. Socks are fantastic. They allow you to be secretly flamboyant and daring without anyone suspecting. You may be sitting all suited and booted in a board meeting talking about next years projection figures (yawn-a-rama), but underneath your over polished shoes, your feet can be leading the way in secret defiance of establishment.

Now I appreciate that there are some circumstances where one might think boring socks is not just appropriate, but mandatory, such as sport or hiking socks. But even in the aforementioned activities, exciting socks can be found. I myself have a striped pair of rainbow hiking socks. They are not common and hard to find but well worth the effort.

Most of my socks are technically over the knee socks, but due to having podgy legs, they have been demoted to under the knee socks. The only ankle socks in my possession are luminous one, very reminiscent of the days of early 90’s acid house fashion. My sock collection is not exclusive to what is seen below, as it has very much expanded since this was taken, especially since the ‘mrs’ found even more socks in Poundland. So you see, leading the way in a secret rebellion doesn’t have to be expensive.

Having every pair unique also has HUGE advantages when trying to match up socks after the wash. See, I’m not just a pretty foot.

The rebellion starts here!

World Nutmeg Shortage - surely!

A world shortage of nutmeg can be the only explanation for this pitiful excuse for a custard tart. Now the package says it contain nutmeg, and the product shows some dark dusting on the surface, but I am not convinced. These dark circles of deception taste as much of nutmeg as chewing on the end of a biro. I think the manufacturers of said after dinner treats, employ oompa loompas to spray brown ink onto each tart under a web of lies and deceit.

This as bad as the budget pizzas which contain 3 strands of white anaemic cheese. I suppose you get what you pay for. Although I love the budget pizzas all soggy in the microwave covered in beans or spaghetti hoops, also known as scoops. Ah that is really living.

At the end of the day nutmeg or no nutmeg they all go down the same way; into my tummy…..mmmmm!

Happiness is having a Hot Mate

Although I will concede that the ‘mrs’ is indeed totty with a nice ‘piece of arse’, what I am referring to is my gift of the century. Forget jewels, flowers, chocolates and a trip on the Orient Express, my women knows how to make me happy. A JML Hot Mate!

This £3.99 wonder is so fantastic. I am a huge fan of gadgets but find that after the initial fiddle (now now people), all they do is create a platform for dust to gather. However this now takes pride of place on top of the microwave.

Having the current employment status of a ‘bum’, I often spend the afternoon trying to create something edible (ish) for the evening. This means I can plate up the dinner, have all the washing up done and everything can be all neat and tidy before the ‘mrs’ comes home. Plus I find sauces taste better when they have been sitting for a few hours. Unfortunately when heating up the dinner, I can only microwave one plate at a time, which due to the asbestos quality of my food, can make heating two meals a very time consuming affair. In addition, in order to eat together someone has to wait for the other one to be ready, while their dinner is getting cold. Hardly an ideal situation.

But now, THANKS to those lovely people at JML (fab gadgets at cheap prices), I can now microwave 2 meals at once. Life doesn’t get much better than this! Feel free to check out the advert on the JML website http://www.jmldirect.com/product.php?cid=5&pid=251 and spread the joy!

I am not a materialistic person, but THANK YOU for my present. X

Should one have a yellow toilet?

I am currently sitting at the computer eating ice cream while the ‘mrs’ is getting an early night. I don’t feel guilty as it’s a flavour she doesn’t like. Not wanting to end the day with such a negative whingey blog, I have decided to end on a more philosophical note. Having consulted with my online friend, Barry, as to what I should blog about, it was suggested that “are toilets really yellow” was an appropriate subject. For me this seems rather odd; of course toilets can be yellow if you buy a yellow toilet! And so ends that discussion.

However it lead me to consider the question “should you have a yellow toilet”? Traditionally bathroom furniture is white, as this gives the impression of cleanliness. A lemon yellow colour scheme is often popular in bathrooms, making the space light and creating a feeling of space. However I feel this zesty’ness should only be created with curtains, towels, the odd interspersed tile, the obligatory bath and toilet rug and maybe a novelty soap; or if need be a yellow toothbrush. In my opinion yellow bathrooms suits are just wrong. Apologise to all of you out there you have been afflicted with such décor; my thoughts are with you. On the other hand, very useful in hiding any pee stains down the toilet bowel; if you have ever lived with a man you will know what I mean.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not one to shy away from bold colours; quite the contrary. I am particularly partial to the fantastic range of Perspex toilet seats one can get these days; having sported a gold and silver glitter throne of my own in my time. If you are afflicted with a yellow suite can I suggest some customisation using stickers or just spray painting “this is not yellow, really” around the room.

As always the choice is yours.

Oh bum, I ended on another rant. POO PANTS!

Putting the patients first? B*ll*cks!

Due to NHS targets that all patients have to be seen by a doctor within 24 hours of making the appointment, you CAN’T make appointments in advance. Gone are the days where you could ring, and although unable to see someone today, you can make appointment for 2 or 3 days time. Very useful, if not urgent, like a blood pressure check up or an in growing toe nail.

NOW you have to ring on the day (although the chances of getting through are on a par of winning the lottery), or be on the doorstep at 8am waiting in line with the other desperadoes psyching yourself up for the 8:30am dash to reception when the doors open. If you have a job or have to get the kids ready for school, you may not have the luxury of loitering on the doorsteps of a doctors office. Please can someone tell me how this is putting the patients needs first?

However there are NHS walk in centres, which offer an early morning to late service, usually 7 days a week. What a fantastic idea! All I have to do is jump in my car and drive the 40 odd miles to the nearest one. I know I sound like I am having a big rant; well that's because I am!

So next time you wake up late because you’ve been up all night feeling like death, fear not, you can see a doctor TOMORROW. God bless NHS targets.

Rant over

My life is NOT over!

Ha Boo – Sucks to you! Mr Masterfoods thought he could get away with it, if it weren’t for us pesky kids! According to the BBC news pages “Mars has abandoned plans to use animal products in its chocolate, and has apologised to "upset" vegetarians.”

Now call me an old cynic, but I think the “feelings” of vegetarians were not really at the core of this decision change. Possibly the 6,000 complaints received, the petition from 40 MP’s, the bad publicity and the prospect of loosing oodles of cash may have had something to do with it. Oooo my cynicism chip is working overtime!

Regardless of the motives, I must not lose site of the positive outcome. So I must now open my mouth and await the lorry loads of snickers! YUM YUM YUM!

Mood: Joyful

I’m a squirty girl in a squirty world!

For those of you thinking this is an explicit blog about rude things; then SHAME ON YOU. What I am referring to the delight that is over processed squirty cream. The ‘mrs’ and I have just had a glorious evening with a blackcurrent cheesecake and squirty cream (please take your minds out of the gutter).

Now I am not a snob, and was perfectly delighted with the best Spar had to offer. Unfortunately I am not in a financial position to indulge in the ‘real deal’ i.e. anchor squirty cream. This product is tooooo nice; to the extent that we used up over half a can on one cheesecake. But like many other people, when I apply the squirty yummyness, I like what ever I am eating to completely disappear under a mound of white foamy calories. Mmmmmm.

Now how many of you have eaten squirty cream straight out of the canister? I would say the numbers run into millions, even not admitted to. I can personally vouch for the amazing velocity of said cream. I was once caught with my head in the fridge unsuccessfully trying to conceal the cream within my cheeks, but performing my best hamster impression. As a joke I was slapped around the chops in a “you’ve been tango’d” stylee – I was stunned how far squirty cream can project up a wall!
There are a variety of things that can be done with squirty cream to while away those winter evenings. Here are but a few, but please feel free to add some more:

* Create interesting facial features; moustache, beard and comedy eyebrows
* Blind evil people if attacked in the street
* Write a letter on a VERY large piece of paper
* Create sculptures, such as snow men
* When it’s near the end of the can re-create a snow storm
* Make a comedy head on someone’s beer
* Decorate a Christmas tree during the festive season
* Mark out your own parking bay outside your house
* Emergency fire extinguisher

Go and explore this world of culinary science!

The Joy of Camping

Now to some, the idea of sitting inside a piece of canvas during a gale on the edge of the north sea may not appeal to everyone……although to be honest at 4am when I am unable to sleep having had half the tent collapse resulting upon being rained on from inside, I was not very enthusiastic. Having ones tent pitched right on the seas edge in John O’Groats in a gale, knowing that the only thing holding it down is your ample bottom, was probably not very wise. However life is an adventure! So why all this out-doorsey stuff then?

With the ‘mrs’ having a week off work, and me being a temporary unemployed bum, we decided to take this opportunity for a bit of travelling. Liking a bit of spontaneity I suggested driving to the top of the country and beyond; as you do. So with tent, sleeping bag, gas cooker, and blow up mattress in tow, off we go for our camping adventure.

Generally I LOVE camping. I love sitting outside on my camping chair, sipping tea from my camping mug, made on the camping stove, resting on the camping table and just sitting and observing the wonders of nature. However when ‘nature’ consists of gale force winds and rain, coupled with running out of gas (only managing 2 cups of tea and some super noodles), it sort of looses it’s charm. Still a good time was had by all I feel, and the novelty of sleeping fully clothed adorning woolly hats (£1 from Woolworths; woo hoo) is not an experience to be missed!

In all seriousness, I had oodles of fun, and generated many amusing stories for dinner parties. Note to self: I must get some friends to have or be invited to dinner parties!

Ukraine was robbed

Why do I keep doing this to myself – watching the Eurovision Song Contest! I love the cheese, the camp, the terrible music, the costumes, the embarrassing commentary, oh just everything. BUT the voting is just a waste of time, and leaves me at the end of the evening so disillusioned. I can not think of a better reason to opt out of Europe completely!

For those hardened Eurovision fans who were keeping a score sheet, did ANYONE have Serbia as the winner? My score sheet and that of the ‘mrs’ CLEARLY states that the Ukraine should have won. How can a silver wearing Christopher Biggins look-a-like transvestite doing German dance music NOT win. Do people have no taste?

I felt the UK was treated very unfairly. It scored fairly high with me. It was catchy, camp with cheesy costumes and dance routines. I bet if some ex Russian state from the back of beyond entered it, it would have wiped the floor with the competition. If we are hated so much why do we bother? O.K. Ireland did rubbish too; but come on, they were ultra PANTS.

Many years ago the voting was changed from a panel vote to a public one, so it wouldn’t be as political….it’s now WORSE than ever! All the eastern countries voting for each other with the western countries not even getting a look in. With so many countries competing maybe there should be an eastern and a western eurovision song contest?

I am not bitter that the UK lost; they didn’t deserve to win. But COME ON, how can anyone sit back and think this to be fair.

O.K. rant over…………grrrrrrrrrrrr!!

My life is over!

O.K. this might seem a tad over dramatic, but when you hear the terrible news you will understand my pain. MARS HAVE STARTED TO USE ANIMAL PRODUCTS IN THEIR CHOCOLATE!


As a devote vegetarian of nearly 15 years, the idea that the evil powers-that-be are going to deny me the indulgent joy of a snickers, maltesers, bounty, minstrels is just too much for one person to cope with. Why did this happen?

Apparently the sources used by Masterfood have changed and so will now be using whey powder used from non vegetarian cheese production as a bulking agent. In order to produce cheese, a coagulant is added which separates the milk solids (curds) from the liquid (whey). The coagulant commonly used is rennet, which is an enzyme extracted from the lining of a calf’s (yea baby moos) stomach……niiiiiiiiiiiiice!

In this day-and-age where 9% of the population are vegetarian, and many people avoid animal products for personal reasons and various faiths, it makes NO economical sense to ‘de-vegetarianise’ a product. I delight when a product which by rights need not have animal derived products in (such as crisps and ice cream), becomes vegetarian, such as polos and Doritos to name a few, but I rarely have seen a product revert back!

Apparently anything with a best before 1st October 2007 will still be veggie, so if anyone wants to buy me a gift, I will have 5,000 snickers and a HUGE freezer please! Sweety companies already deny me skips crisps, ferrero rocher and refresher sweets; when will the assault stop? Did I do something really evil in a previous life that I am being punished for?

I must leave now, before I am blinded by the tears of my pain. *sniff*