I’m a squirty girl in a squirty world!

For those of you thinking this is an explicit blog about rude things; then SHAME ON YOU. What I am referring to the delight that is over processed squirty cream. The ‘mrs’ and I have just had a glorious evening with a blackcurrent cheesecake and squirty cream (please take your minds out of the gutter).

Now I am not a snob, and was perfectly delighted with the best Spar had to offer. Unfortunately I am not in a financial position to indulge in the ‘real deal’ i.e. anchor squirty cream. This product is tooooo nice; to the extent that we used up over half a can on one cheesecake. But like many other people, when I apply the squirty yummyness, I like what ever I am eating to completely disappear under a mound of white foamy calories. Mmmmmm.

Now how many of you have eaten squirty cream straight out of the canister? I would say the numbers run into millions, even not admitted to. I can personally vouch for the amazing velocity of said cream. I was once caught with my head in the fridge unsuccessfully trying to conceal the cream within my cheeks, but performing my best hamster impression. As a joke I was slapped around the chops in a “you’ve been tango’d” stylee – I was stunned how far squirty cream can project up a wall!
There are a variety of things that can be done with squirty cream to while away those winter evenings. Here are but a few, but please feel free to add some more:

* Create interesting facial features; moustache, beard and comedy eyebrows
* Blind evil people if attacked in the street
* Write a letter on a VERY large piece of paper
* Create sculptures, such as snow men
* When it’s near the end of the can re-create a snow storm
* Make a comedy head on someone’s beer
* Decorate a Christmas tree during the festive season
* Mark out your own parking bay outside your house
* Emergency fire extinguisher

Go and explore this world of culinary science!

A 'fart' ponder

While we sup our mug of de-caff brew (1 sweetner optional depending on mood), let us take a moment to ponder the notion of farts. I appreciate that an initial blog is usually all about introductions; who am I? why am I writing this? etc etc; however after finding 'The Little Book of Farting' on the bedroom floor, I just had to take a moment to comment on this great work of literature.

Now according to the bible of farting, men fart between 15-17 times in a 24 hour period, while women can only manage 8-9. So why is this? I can not see any biological reason why this could be the case. Is it a social and not biological reason? Women are not 'supposed' to fart, so maybe the farts are saved up (resulting in uncomfortable stomach grumbles) and only released on the toilet during tea breaks at work. Men however, seem to produce 'air biscuits' where and whenever the mood takes them; in fact other men would compliment them on the pitch, duration and odour of their erruptions.

So I appeal to all fellow geeks out there, in helping me conduct a little scientific experiment. Please keep a note of the number of farts you produce in any 24hr period, and let me know the number, your gender and whether you are a vegetarian or not. Now night time farts during your slumber can not be monitered, however if you share your bed with someone maybe they could inform you of any unconcious trumping.

Thank you from the bottom of my bowel and happy farting!